In Feb 2015 I experienced the worst breakdown, my body was falling apart & I felt like the biggest disappointment for abandoning this mega family holiday to where I was born. I had always hasseled my family for a holiday & here I was aborting at the last minute.
I couldn’t face my demons and risk them all seeing me have multiple melt downs & my fear of flying had also gotten worse. Only my husband knew this side of me. Even though I’d flown to so many places before (Europe, hello Coachella 2014) I couldn’t fathom getting on a plane feeling this way. A couple of days before flying out I pulled out. I was exhausted from sleepless nights and the panic attacks I was having daily, my body was a wreck. I had so much guilt now for disappointing my whole family.
During this time my family saw a very different side of me & I remember a few special people reach out to tell me that it didn’t need to be this way. What I thought was my normal & being scared didn’t have to be like that they said. At the time I probably rolled my eyes because I could never imagine living any differently. How could I change and really live like everyone else and just get on with it.
See when you have Sever Anxiety, that anxious feeling lasts for hours or days. It can also blow up to a full blown panic attack & you literally think you’re going to die. Your mind & heart starts racing, you get sweaty, you start to shut down, you get this adrenaline rush that gives you the runs... it’s not pretty. Some people faint, others end up in hospital, the list goes on. No matter what someone says to you at the time it’s like a blur, like something forgein has taken over you. When it eventually does slow down you are left so exhausted & achy from all the lactic acid build up that courses through you body that all you want to do is rest. Then the depression can kick in.
I wanted to avoid those feelings at all cost so I stopped doing anything.
So I took the next step. I got help. I was fortunate enough to get a cancellation appointment within the week. My family had all left for the Trip to Chile, I even convinced my husband to go & meet more of the family. I stayed behind alone. I needed to this for myself. I needed this break to help myself. I NEVER wanted to feel this way again.
I remember my in-laws driving me to one appointment. I hated public transport (still not a fan but I get on them when I have to) & I couldn’t drive at the time. I was ashamed when I came to realise just how much my anxiety stopped me from living.
In Feb 2015 I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder - GAD and mild depression. I was put on medication to calm my state of mind as I was so emotionally broken. I started therapy. It was a huge turning point in my life, I remember telling my therapist through countless of tears that I never what to experience what I did ever again.
That is how this journey began. I did months of therapy, discovered my underlying concerns, my triggers, discovered more about me. I began my healing applied all the teaching & techniques and did countless of exercises. Within 8 weeks I stopped the medication, it had done what I needed at the time. Calmed the mind & now that I was starting to feel better & I chose to do cognitive therapy.
I started to research, practice even more gratitude, yoga and meditate. Slowly I started to see a shift. Then we started to set intentions and work on the things that I wanted to overcome/achieve. My list was short and simple at the time.
- Control my anxiety & enjoy being out / social again
- Overcome my fear of using Public toilets if I had to go
- To drive (I had forever been on my Ls)
- Get a job
- Travel again (get on a plane)
So we started to get to work. During the sessions we started to work through my triggers, blockages but also work actionable steps towards my goal. Like hire a female driving instructor to get me on my way to driving. Thinking about what kind of work I wanted to do & I knew deep down I wanted my own business. At the time we had been fortunate enough to be able to live of one income. I remember her saying that if I was ok with not working that I didn’t have to but that wasn’t what I wanted. I had always been creative and dreamed of having my own business. It was a strong passion, I was inspired by so many other amazing entrepreneurs who turned their dream into a reality.
Everything was baby steps but I had all the time in the world to work on them since I wasn’t working. I dipped my toe & started creating in May 2015 & officially started my business around in July 2015 even though it was just a hobby at the time. Something to keep me happy & creating. I got my license in October 2015. I saw a lot of progress and eventually at the start of 2016 I had my last therapy session for a while.
I was happy & working each day towards regaining my life. My mental health and healing became my focus. I focused on Self-love & Self-care and started to truly fall in love with myself & the resilient being I had become and slowly I gained control over my anxiety. I had adopted many practices that guided me. Meditation, yoga, gratitude, EFT, daily pages, oracle cards and crystals.
In 2017 after the loss of Grandad I had to revisit my therapy sessions because I was starting to have sleepless nights & anxiety related to death & fear of dying. I didn’t even have to think twice about it after a few weeks of feeling sad & low but just normal grief I went back to therapy. We also tackled the last goal of flying again, although this seriously took some work. I almost didn’t make it to the Fiji trip & wanted to get off the plane at the last second. True story! It was during this time that I also delve deeper into spirituality looking for answers. I had always been Spiritual, into metaphysic & practiced LOA but a deeper awakening began here. It took a good 6 months of to get back to feeling like myself again. But I learnt so much along the way.
This time helped me revisit my work, my happiness and knew I wanted to share more about me & being true to myself. I wanted to not just have a beautiful business but help others in some way. So that is where I am at today. Still cultivating, co-creating with the Universe & finding my way to help & inspire others. It’s an ongoing process & journey.
I can happily say I am no longer controlled by my thoughts & anxiety. I have come so far & do challenge myself to overcome fears that pop up. Sometimes, I honestly forget I even had severe Anxiety because I don’t experience much of the symptoms any more. Every once in a while though I might have a little trigger (you see the thoughts never completely disappear but you can control them) but I’m so much more in control of it that it doesn’t win. I truly am the happiest I have been & living the life I have always wanted. That includes working from wherever I want to be, running my own business and helping others. It was always a dream of mine.
It has been one beautiful, yet messy journey and I wouldn’t change it for the world. This is my story and I had to get here on my own. As you can see it wasn’t simple unlike my brand name & it did involve a lot of work but that’s part of the healing.
Believe it or not that’s the abridge version of my story there are so many more layers. But I hope you know that if you are or were like me too there is a place for all of us to live out our dreams whatever they may be. It may take time, a lot of healing and work to do so but in the it’s all beautiful.
If you made it this far than thank you! I want to thank all the beautiful souls who have supported me along the way, even those who have reached out because I know it can be hard to do so.
For the beautiful rare unicorns who don’t have anxiety & have been wanting to start their own business then all I can say is go for it. There is no right time and if you really want it, you’ll learn everything along the way. Get exploring, read, play with some new tools, start creating, think of a brand name & start a side business. Just start!
Please note anxiety can be debilitating for many, so if you are experiencing these things or know some one who is. Be kind to yourself & them, reach out to them & know that there is help out there. Xx
Much love & light xx